*Redfield70

I think it's safe to say that my days of FF XI, or at least FF XI as I once played it, are over. The spark is gone, the love for the game has finally left me. Whether or not it ever returns will depend on how things play out, I suppose. Maybe I'll rediscover my love for it again at some point. Maybe not. One thing's for sure...right now, I'm not 'feeling it' one bit.

Logging in is a chore. Checking my auctions is a chore. Leveling is a chore. Even talking to my friends online has become a chore. I look at the screen and I really can't stand to be looking at it. The only enjoyment I am still deriving from the game is my Thursday night static and pining for my Byakko's Haidate (which I hope I will obtain soon). Other than that, I feel emptiness when I play.

There are a number of reasons for this void in me, but I think the most important one is that now that I'm working again, I'm taking stock of the reduction in free time I have and I'm realizing....FF XI just isn't that important.

To be more specific, it's not so important that I should be spending hours of my life in that timesink waiting for this monster to pop or that drop to be obtained. Meanwhile, a massive stack of video games that represent finite experiences (buy, play, beat), most of them worthy of my time and attention, are going neglected while I log in to FF XI to increase my standing or my chances of obtaining the 'hat lewtz'.

I've been LV 74 BLM FOREVER, and I'm a mere 20K away from dinging...and I couldn't care less.

I am T6 in assault and well on my way to T7...and I just don't give a damn.

Salvage gives me an opportunity to get the oh so awesome Usukane gear for MNK...and I'd rather be doing anything BUT FF XI at that time.

Even the relationships I've forged online aren't enough to keep me invested in the game. I hardly talk to anyone on my friendlist anymore as I'm in a totally different place from where all of them are. And I don't think doing things with them to increase my interest and activity is going to change that any time soon.

While I level, and farm, and fight gods and do all the timesink stuff involved in obtaining an 'ubar' character, my den is in a shambles. Stuff's thrown all over the place, and I hate how much of a mess it is. That has needed attention since before I had to stop working, and I can't justify putting it aside any longer to do something that has no defined ending point. At least I can save Bioshock or Metal Gear Solid at any point I want and come back to it later.

I have multitudes of novels, comics, DVDs, games and television to partake in. But all of that has brushed aside all so I can build points for Sky. And for what? So I can falsely inflate my ego by pretending to have pride in wearing Byakko Haidate?

They're not real pants.

Getting them is no real accomplishment.

FF XI is all about time, persistence and luck. And I am not presently taking any pride in endeavoring to overcome these challenges in this particular game.

But it's more than that, too.

I recently played through Metal Gear Solid for PSX, the old one that came out 10 years ago. In playing through the game and enjoying the storyline and cutscenes, I realized that in the grand scheme of things, Final Fantasy XI just isn't giving me any stimulation, either mental or physical.

Metal Gear Solid, by comparison, is an adrenalin rush. Evading the guards, trying to get through without being detected, facing bosses, experiencing the STILL relevant cautionary tale about mankind's built in penchant for conflict.

Realizing that the policy of nuclear deterence is a direct result of man trying to impose their will on one another, and all of the mess that we've created for ourselves as a result of all that unused nuclear waste, is very sobering.

By comparison, Final Fantasy XI is giving me NONE of those thrills, chills or spills. I suppose I have myself to blame for it. I've been playing Devil May Cry, Ninja Gaiden, Bioshock, Metal Gear Solid and very soon Assassin's Creed.

All of these game are visceral experiences, whereas FF XI just seems slow and dull by comparison. And I think that I've learned something about what I need right now as a result.

I need to 'feel' something again as it pertains to gaming. I need to be playing games that justify, on some level, how much time I am wasting on this hobby. When I play Ninja Gaiden, I can say 'Yeah, I wasted 3 hours playing it but at least it was FUN.'

Final Fantasy XI just hasn't been giving me any reason to say or feel that for a long time. Other than my Thursday static, where I am spending time with five people I know and care about IRL, the game is a burden.

I'd quit sky too, if I hadn't worked so damned hard for those Haidate. But I've invested too much time to quit on them. I have to get those damned tiger pants. That is one quest I will not quit on.

Hence, I've decided that I will be severely paring down my play time on FF XI. If, by the end of August, I haven't swung back into a FF XI mood, I'll be retiring from the game.

No, none of you can have one iota of the stuff on my character. If I quit, Taiso and all his possessions go with me. Sorry. I may want to play again at some point, and I want to find him at exactly the same place I left him, with exactly the same stuff.

You never completely close the door on something like this.

Oh, and I definitely WON'T be playing any other MMOs unless they release Age of Conan for Xbox 360. Or if they release Warhammer 40K as an MMO, in which case you will never hear from me again because that world is so unique and cool that I could get completely lost in it.

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Another thing is that I actually want to DO something with my life. And I can't accomplish those goals while sitting at my desk playing FF XI all the time. I feel as though I need to make my mark. A lot of luminiaries that helped me evolve into the person I am today are dead and gone:

Gary Gygax
Robert Asprin
Robert Jordan
Eric Wujick
Keith Parkinson
George Carlin

I could go on and on. But here's the bottom line: the people that have always been formative figures in my existence are starting to die off. Everyone's getting older. I fully expect that in the next ten years, we'll probably see the following go as well:

Michael Moorcock
Dave Arneson
George Lucas
Larry Elmore

And considering that Robert E. Howard killed himself in 1936, before I even had a CHANCE to meet him, that is another important person in my life that was gone to me way too soon.

I think of these names and I think to myself:

*I* want to be missed by fans when I go, too.

*I* want to affect the lives of others on a massive scale.

*I* want to be someone that people think of fondly for the experiences I've passed on to them when it's my time to go.

That's the only way I'm going to feel complete. That's the only way I'm going to feel like my life meant anything at all.

I have to make my mark.

I'm not going to make my mark leveling yet another ALT job in FF XI.

"But Taiso," you argue, "you aren't going to make your mark beating Metal Gear Solid for the seventh time!"

No, but as long as it's fun and it inspires me, it will make me want to work harder at achieving my dreams by fueling my ambition and desire.

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As you can see, I've removed all my stamps and clubs and such. I don't need them anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't want to keep talking with those people anymore.

It just means that it's the next step in a process I've been working towards for some time now. Shutting things down around here and working on my own website where I get to control the content completely and no one can govern it besides myself.

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Well, this is a pretty weighty blog. I'll just let it stand as is for now.